Diary of a dumb girl

In another life, I got married at 25. I would have a beautiful house, with the love of my life. I’d have kiddos running around, and giving soft smiling glances towards my husband. we’d have a dog, and take beautiful family vacations together. I’d bake things for the school, and host play dates all the time. We’d have our friends over for drinks, while the kids build forts and do things behind our backs.

In this life, I’m 25. I don’t know anything. Where to go, what to do, how to feel. I’m exhausted 24/7, and it’s like being on a ship that’s slowly sinking. I keep swimming to the surface, hoping the outcome will be different each time. I haven’t been in love since I was 19, and I have a giant museum of failures. Sometimes, I dust off the cobwebs, or add another frame for a failure. I’ll eat out of the trash and often go back to what hurt me before, because it’s familiar.

There’s nothing romantic about walking around with a heart that feels like lungs without air.